When it all goes wrong

Have you ever had one of those days, where you feel like everything just goes wrong? Today is not one of those days, it was kind of worse. I have been struggle recently with my emotions, trying to get a grip on it and control it, I don't know if there are any guys out there that can relate with me, but I am one of those people that are at the extreme end of the extrovert spectrum. Where most people see extroverts as individuals who are loud and happy go lucky, most people don't know that the extroverts source of energy is sourced externally, based on his surrounding. I am one of these people that are so influenced by my surrounding and circumstances, like any emotion that I feel is shown all over my face, and I have been made to believe that this is just bad.

Screwing up my quiz, I studied pretty hard for my quiz, clocked the hours in, and when it came down to it, it was a silly mistake that caused me 5 precious marks in my quiz, I go really hard on myself and I just wanted to break down and cry in the midst of a class full of people so what I did was I went to the toilet and did that, came out and was questioned if I went to shit, in front of a crowd which was rather embarrassing  On top of that the class that I attended in the afternoon was a very low energy class which was driving me to a point of depression. It was just piling on one another. Then the day slowly began to get better.

Then it was time for carecell, everything was great but I knew I was tired, and when I am tired I am easily swayed by my emotions, picked up a call from a cell member that spoke extremely rudely where I questioned him why he was talking so rudely, and after that, there were some jokes made and I wish I could have stayed composed but I lost it but took it out in a humorous manner, and just to be in the place, brought back memories, on how I was an AL and I just to think that I thought that I had grown into maybe a carecell leader or a sectional leader but I was an AL just was heart breaking, whereby I was at the venue where carecell was held where I was an AL, and how the carecell leader was coming in and saying all the right things at the right time, and I was not. Just internal thought on how a disappointment I am in myself. Just heard that whole voice saying you are nothing more than a failure, a loser, a disappointment and nothing more and how I could not even control my face, cos as I was mentioning in the earlier paragraph, when I am disheartened it shows all over my face. On top of that just the disability to assign people to pray for the prayer needs, added to that..there was a knife in cell, just wanted nothing more to stick that in me, and to end everyones misery, the misery of my church for thinking I was ready to be a leader, to misery of myself for how much I had disappointed myself, the people around me so that they didnt have to bear with my mistakes and emotions anymore, just wished it could end, and with all that thought running in my mind, and my eyes just about to break into tears, I whispered a call to heaven, Dear Lord, please Help me.

With that I managed to calm myself down, and smile and just went to the kitchen and talked it out with my carecell leader. On my way home, it was a hard long drive home, asking God, what is He trying to do with me, why me, why so much pain, why cant i be like the other people that no matter what can be calm and can think thoroughly without showing any emotions, why must I be like this. A simple word of no mistakes, was replied. I believe He was telling me, He makes no mistakes, and I believe Him.

If you are reading this, and you are having a rough time, as much bad stuff may be going on in your life, always remember in the midst of trial comes opportunity to be grateful. If I messed my quiz up, then I could thank God for the motivation to study the next quiz, If people were to cause me some embarrassment, I was gonna laugh it off and survive, If I was made to be a feeling person, I could be grateful, at least I could share whatever pain that others are going through, If I am sent right to the bottom then it is an opportunity to learn again from the bottom, this is the secret of living a better life, just knowing as emotional and feeling and intuitive I am, there are people that will see me for the person that I am, and whoever you are, just take a deep hard look around you, there are people that might be loving you despite your flaws that you might have overlooked or ignored previously, be grateful for them, be grateful for the breath that you have been borrowed, be grateful for mistake that you've made, be grateful for failures, be grateful for disappointment, because the good side is, there will always be a good side to anything, remember tonight, that you are NO MISTAKE, God makes NO mistakes! You are made in the image and likeness of God, and you are getting closer to your goals, with every fall you rise one step close, because behind every successful man, there were many unsuccessful tries, goodnight!:)